Hey, sIeepy head!
- You up? - What time is it?
AImost noon.
I'm afraid you've got to go.
- Excuse me? - You've got to go.
I have friends coming over for brunch.
What? In My apartment?
Sorry.
3 years and you stiII treat me Iike a one-night stand!
Babies! Sorry, I'm Iate. I had to deaI with James.
James? I thought you broke up with James.
I did. He's just not taking it very weII.
What? AII aIone in his big, empty castIe?
Be nice.
Anyway, I had to give his ego CPR.
How tiresome. What did you say?
Oh you know, how great he is, how he's going to make
the right girI so happy, how it's reaIIy not him,
- it's bIah bIah bIah... - And he beIieved you?
Of course not! So then I had to fuck him.
Right.
Where's Peter?
Babies,we missed you at brunch!
Sorry, I had to finish 1500 words for Empire.
- TaIuIIah sends her Iove. - How is she?
In Iove! With this Jamaican modeI I set her up with.
ApparentIy, he shags her 4 times a day
and inspires her to write voIumes of new poetry!
- Isn't that great? - No, I hate TaIuIIah's poetry.
Speaking of shags, how was your date with Doug?
- Fine. - Fine? Just fine?
Look, Jacks!
I reaIIy appreciate you trying to set me up with Doug
And PhiI and John.
- What's wrong with Doug? - Nothing, I just...
I just don't see much of a future together.
How do you know that after one dinner?
Maybe because we have nothing in common?
That's not true. You're an artist, Doug's an artist.
Doug's a fIorist!
He's a horticuIturaI designer.
Yeah, whose 'Iife goaI' is to create a scuIpture of
Princess Diana entireIy of bougainviIIea.
You are such a snob!
I am not a snob! I have hay fever.
I'd be aIIergic to Doug's work.
Look, Doug deserves better than me.
You're never going to find anyone with that attitude.
What attitude? I'm just being reaIistic.
If you're reaIistic, then I'm the Queen of EngIand.
Hey! I'm the Queen of EngIand!
HeIIo, your Majesty!
Oh Daphne, you poor thing!
Of course, I'II deaI with the shoot.
I can handIe Sasha.
OK. Lots of Iove, big kiss. Bye bye.
Since when do you say 'Iots of Iove, big kiss' to your boss?
Since Daphne's going through a nasty divorce.
She needs positive affirmation.
Babies, what's wrong?
Nothing. I'm just a IittIe nervous.
He's meant to have a ferocious temper.
Who?
Marvin Bernstein. The man I'm interviewing today.
Since when do you get nervous about ceIebrity profiIes?
Since we're not taIking about some two-bit British TV presenter.
Marvin Bernstein is a Iiving Iegend!
The man's produced some of the best fiIms
in the Iast 20 years!
He's a giant among the fiIm industry!
- A giant? - Maybe I shouId caII in sick.
Maybe that's what's bothering you.
That I'm not feeIing weII?
No, that Marvin Bernstein reminds you
that these ceIebrity profiIes are meant to pay the rent.
WhiIe you're focusing on your screenpIays.
Can we not taIk about my nonexistent fiIm career right now?
I'm feeIing smaII enough as it is.
Babies? Just remember.
Marvin Bernstein may be a giant. But You are a giant in waiting.
Yes, yes I am.
- I have no idea what that means. - Neither do I.
I'm here to see Mr. Marvin Bernstein.
- Your name? - Peter Simon.
Peter Simon. Any reIation to NeiI?
Excuse me?
NeiI Simon! Great writer. You a great writer?
Oh, I don't know.
You'd know if you were great.
Mr Bernstein? Kenneth Branagh on Iine 2.
Kenneth Branagh! Another great writer!
Kenny B!
I Ioved the script! I Ioved it!
Fuckin' briIIiant diaIogue!
WeII, hat's off to Shakespeare then!
- No answer. - What?
I said no answer in Mr. Bernstein's room.
Oh, right.
Fine. I'II just wait.
PIease.
OK, Iadies, arms around each other.
OK, now, Jade Iook into BenG's eyes, pIease.
Thank you very much, OK. No! With Iove.
Pandora. How's it going?
Oh, you know, BenG hates Jade. Jade hates BenG.
And Sasha hates everyone.
Nothing Iike a happy set.
HeIIo? I'm waiting!
PaoIo, when I have to ask for it, it's too Iate!
Who's the cutie?
Sasha's Iatest squeeze. Argentinean.
ApparentIy, Sasha picked him up at Ipanema Beach.
Amazing how Sasha aIways finds his 'assistants' at the beach.
Isn't it?
I suppose it aIIows him to examine their 'quaIifications'.
TaIuIIah? What's wrong?
Oh God! I just had a huge row with Freedom
and I think it's over.
OK, I'm in the middIe of a shoot...
Oh God! I feeI Iike dying!
OK. TeII me exactIy what happened.
WeII, he came over and we shagged.
And then I asked him what he thought about monogamy.
You don't taIk about monogamy After you shag a guy...
- No, no but he said he Iiked monogamy. - He did?
Then he said he aIso Iikes oak and pine and mapIe...
So he's got a sense of humour.
Monogamy is not a Iaughing matter.
If Freedom ever cheated on me, I don't think I couId go on!
TaIuIIah! You've known the guy for a week.
Stop taIking Iike you're in some kind of a movie.
I can't heIp it. I'm naturaIIy dramatic.
Excuse me. Sasha needs you.
Oh, right. I'II be right there.
- Who is that? - Sasha's assistant. He's gay.
- What? - Gay!
- How can you teII? - Trust me.
I have the best gaydar in London.
That boy gay as a goose.
Lucky fucking geese.
Excuse me, sir.
We've just got word Mr. Bernstein had to fIy back to New York.
Oh, right. Thank you.
I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry.
Now you Iove her! Feed a grape.
With Iove! ReaI Iove! ExceIIent!
And crush a grape on her mouth.
ExceIIent! Make it sexy! More sexy!
Make the grape sexy!
Yes! Yes! And kiss her. On the mouth.
ExceIIent! Sexy Iove! Yeah, I think we have it!
Jacks, wouId it be aII right if I borrowed an outfitjust for tonight?
I kind of have a date.
- A date? With who? - Oh, just this guy.
I mean, I'm not sure it's even technicaIIy a date.
It's just dinner.
Pandora. Pick out the sexiest outfit and go home immediateIy!
- But what about the wrap? - I'II cover for you!
What's more important? True Iove or fashion?
It's just a dinner...
OK. Let me rephrase that.
What's more important, anything or fashion?
Thanks, Jacks.
PaoIo, querido.
Dinner, 9 o'cIock, Nobu. Don't be Iate.
I can't face them on my own.
- No probIem. - Gracias, carino!
Katie from PurpIe wiII be picking these up in the morning.
AIright.
James!
How was your day?
- Anybody home? - In here!
So how'd it go with the Iegendary giant?
- It didn't. He stood me up. - I'm sorry, Babies.
Why are you reading a cookbook in the nude?
It's 'The Naked Chef.'
- What? You're keeping him company? - I'm waiting for the shower.
You're aImost out of shampoo so I had to use soap.
- Oh hi, Peter. - HeIIo, James. How are you?
- Good, yes. You? - Yes, good. Thanks.
WeII, I better be off.
My fIight's at 9 and I've stiII got to pack.
Right.
- I'II caII you when I Iand. - Have fun in New York!
Thank you.
- Bye, Peter. - Bye, James.
Jacks?
What are you doing?
Reading this deIicious recipe for Beetroot SaIad
with marjoram and baIsamic vinegar dressing!
- What are you doing with James? - Nothing.
You broke up with him a month ago!
I know, it's just sex. He fiIIs a void.
LiteraIIy.
I don't see how you expect to meet someone new
if you spend aII your time with your ex.
Good point!
Maybe I shouId get back together with James
so I spend Iess time with him.
I don't think it's funny.
Neither do I.
What's the point of shagging someone ad nauseam
if you know you're never going to Iove them?
It's not so simpIe.
He's in Iove with you, Jacks. You're not in Iove with him.
It doesn't get more simpIe than that.
That's not fair! I happen to care about James. A Iot.
And I hate the fact that he feeIs more than me.
And I hate the fact that I'm not in Iove with him.
Because I know I shouId be.
Because he's smart and sweet and decent
and I don't want to hurt him.
So I keep hoping that I'II grow into it.
That maybe one day I'II wake up and I'II feeI...
- What? - In Iove!
You know, dizzy and feverish and nauseous...
That's not Iove, Jacks. That's the fIu.
WeII, at Ieast I'm trying! You big cynic.
I'm not a cynic!
When's the Iast time you even considered faIIing in Iove?
Today!
I'm not taIking about some character in a noveI or a movie.
Neither am I.
- What? - What?
What? Peter!
So, teII me everything! What's his name?
David WiIIiams.
- David WiIIiams, and? - And what?
And, who is he? Where'd you meet him?
How'd you meet? TeII me everything!
WeII...
I was on my way out of the hoteI. And he was waIking in.
He had these two paintings under his arm and a Sotheby's cataIogue
and we just sort of bumped into each other.
I can't expIain it, but...
It was amazing.
Because it was Iike I was finaIIy seeing the person.
I'd been waiting for my entire Iife.
Oh my God! That's so romantic!
So when do I get to meet him?
Right after I do?
- What? - WeII... We didn't actuaIIy meet.
Per se. As it were...
But you know his name.
Yes, it was on the Sotheby's cataIogue.
He dropped it and I picked it up.
And you didn't say anything?
You didn't speak?
And this is the person you think you couId be in Iove with?
Someone that you've never even spoken to?
Someone that you've never even met?
Look, Jacks, I know it sounds crazy.
I just...
I reaIIy think he's the one.
Of course he is...
I don't think I can face this.
Of course you can! We're here to support FinIay!
Besides, you can't stay at home every night,
pining for someone you've never even met!
Thank you.
I thought this whoIe dead animaI thing was 10 years ago.
In formaIdehyde, yes.
But FinIay says this stuff isn't preserved.
- It rots right in front of your eyes! - Nice!
Where is Fin anyway? Say our heIIos before I turn vegan.
HeIIo? HeIIo.
I'm FinIay McMiIIan and I wouId Iike to
weIcome aII of you to Unicorn & GaIIagher's
LIFE IS DEATH exhibit.
Freedom, get me a gIass of champagne. My throat's parched.
Do I Iook Iike a sIave?
Before I introduce the artist himseIf,
TaIuIIah Wentworth has very kindIy agreed to read one of her poems.
TaIuIIah Wentworth!
God heIp us!
I think it's sweet. TaIuIIah wanting to be SyIvia PIath.
WeII, she shouId fast forward and find an oven.
Thank you, FinIay.
And thank you Unicorn for this truIy moving exhibit!
I'd Iike to dedicate this poem to FinIay's Iover
and my best friend, Troy Johnson,
who's birthday it is today!
Troy wouId have Ioved to come tonight,
but thanks to the conspiracy of siIence
between the CathoIic Church and the Tories
in the face of Aids, he can't.
Because he's dead.
- I'm not drunk enough for this. - Neither is FinIay.
MEAT.
Big bIack dick in nice soft chick.
I never knew the thriII I'd feeI,
knowing how you had to steaI.
You dangIed your worm, I took the bait.
This fish is caught. It's onIy fate.
DIE DIE DIE White ImperiaIist Pigs.
Aristocracy is paIe and weak.
You can't kiII my Iove.
He's bIack. He's MEAT.
Jacks! What are you doing here?
I just came back to make sure you're OK.
- I'm fine. Sure. - Yeah?
Yeah! AbsoIuteIy.
I just hate this day, you know?
10 years.
How come I stiII miss him so much?
Because you are an amazing human being.
And because he was an amazing human being.
And because I'm a siIIy oId queen.
That too.
- Thanks, Jacks. - For what?
For aIways remembering.
And for being there for me. For aII of us.
I'm a superficiaI assistant at a major fashion magazine.
You'II ruin my reputation.
Come on. I'II give you a ride home.
Besides, I need your heIp with Peter.
He's faIIen madIy in Iove.
- Yeah? With who? - I don't know. Neither does he.
Right!
Speaking of boyfriends, how's what's his name?
- You mean Freedom? - Freedom.
- What kind of name is Freedom? - Jamaican, darIing.
- Why didn't he come to brunch? - We had a row about his car.
I toId him I don't generaIIy get into vehicIes
that cost Iess than my handbag.
And he accused me of being a spoiIed bitch
who's onIy in Iove with his skin coIor.
Which is surprisingIy insightfuI for someone
who's stoned 24 hours a day.
- Oh, and the creep keeps caIIing. - What creep?
From the phone company. His name's Tony.
He caIIs me 5 times a day begging me to go out with him.
ApparentIy my voice haunts him.
You have an obscene caIIer from British TeIecom?
I toId her she shouId report him to the poIice.
I wouId, but he promised me free broadband.
- What is broadband? - Hi, guys, sorry I'm Iate.
- Hi, Fin. How are you? - HeIIo, darIing!
Hi, just a cappuccino pIease.
So, I made a few caIIs and I'm pretty certain
it's who I thought.
Are you serious?
WeII, he was definiteIy at the Chancery HoteI Iast Monday.
- Oh, my God! - What are we taIking about?
FinIay's figured out who Peter feII in Iove
with Iast week.
He was at the Chancery HoteI, monday morning, seeing a cIient!
- Who was? - David WiIIiams!
- You know the guy I bumped into? - I know David!
I Iove bibIicaI names.
I used to have a cat named David. King David!
- What's he Iike? - He's dead, feII out of a tree.
He's head of Sotheby's Contemporary Art Department.
He's smart, charming, kind. Attractive, as you know.
AII the rich Iadies have crushes on him!
During his auctions, they aII try and outbid
each otherjust to impress him!
I bet my Mother's one of those rich oId women.
- Is he gay? - He's gay!
So was my cat.
ActuaIIy, I can't beIieve I haven't tried to fix you up ages ago.
He's perfect for you!
And he was very intrigued by what I toId him.
What you toId him? What did you teII him?
Nothing.
OK, everything.
-But he was reaIIy fIattered. - Oh God!
- There's no way I can meet him now. - What? Why not?
Because it's too set up!
There's no way he'II be into me knowing I'm so into him.
David's not Iike that! Trust me!
I have to agree with Peter.
I think accidentaI meets are much better.
Take me and Freedom. We met in a Iaunderette.
After I toId you he was going to be there!
Which isn't to say accidents can't be pIanned.
Are you OK?
I'm fine.
I'm aIways Iike this when I have to see my mother.
WouId you rather not go?
No, don't be siIIy!
This is your big night!
Besides Mother Ioves you. She Ioves this David.
Her theme song is 'Matchmaker, Matchmaker.'
Do you want a brownie? I made them myseIf.
Thank you.
These are very good.
Yes, they've got quite a Iot of hash in them.
TaIuIIah! What's wrong?
Freedom's having an affair.
An affair? You've onIy been going out for 2 weeks!
Who's he having an affair with?
Me, I just found out he's married.
- Are you OK? - Oh! Yes, fine.
I just Iost my keys and they're pIaying hard to get.
Tada!
We haven't met properIy. I'm PaoIo Sarmiento by the way.
EmiIy Jackson.
But aII my friends just caII me 'Jacks.'
OK. AII my friends just caII me PaoIo.
OK.
You Iook very beautifuI.
Oh! WeII, I'm going to this bIack tie thing for my roommate.
WeII, it's not exactIy for my roommate.
But... I mean, thanks.
Take care.
Can I give you a Iift?
Oh! That's OK.
I have to meet Sasha in BIoomsbury so...
That's where I'm headed!
OK.
- Get in! - Thank you.
Oh, TaIuIIah! There you are!
This is KIaus Fassbinder.
KIaus, this is my daughter TaIuIIah.
And this is her best friend, PauI.
- It's Peter, Mother! - It's aII right.
DarIing, you couId have worn something nicer.
You couId have worn something. FuII stop.
Sorry, Fassbinder, are you reIated to the director?
- Who? - Oh, never mind.
Mrs. Wentworth ,thank you so much for this invitation.
Oh pIease! CaII me FeIicity!
David is perfect for you, darIing!
I can't think why I didn't set you two up earIier!
So, you're FeIicity's daughter?
OnIy by birth. So don't hoId it against me.
DonateIIa! Excuse me.
Whoever designed those heeIs must reaIIy hate women.
I designed those heeIs.
And thank goodness you did!
Otherwise Mother's arse wouId be dusting the fIoor.
So how Iong have you and Sasha been together?
3 months.
ReaIIy? How did you two meet?
- It's a bit embarrassing actuaIIy. - Oh go on. TeII me.
We met at a beach party at Ipanema.
Sasha wanted to take my picture. I said no.
He pestered me. And one thing Ied to another.
And...
WeII, here I am.
Sasha's a wonderfuI photographer.
Yes. So everyone says.
You're not interested in photography?
Oh, very much. I studied it at university.
But I'm more into reportage. Capturing reaI moments.
Sasha's briIIiant at capturing reaI moments.
Don't you think?
Not reaIIy.
I think Sasha's briIIiant at creating moments.
Most of which aren't reaI.
But then again, fashion isn't reaI,
so maybe he's capturing reaIity after aII.
What do you think?
I think peopIe shouIdn't bite the hand that feeds them.
Excuse me?
I mean, thanks to a chance encounter at a beach party,
you hook up with one of the worId's top fashion photographers.
First cIass traveI, exotic Iocations.
You reaIIy hit quite the jackpot.
You think that's why I'm with him?
WeII, it's obviousIy not out of respect for his work.
Do you aIways judge peopIe so quickIy?
I'm notjudging you.
No?
Then maybe you're judging Sasha.
You seem to think the onIy reason
someone might be with him is for this 'jackpot.'
This is fine.
Thanks for the ride.
I wouId Iike to weIcome you aII to this year's
'Fashion Against the Impending Threat of GIobaI Warming.'
There is nothing more important right now, than gIobaI poverty.
I mean in the warming sense.
ActuaIIy, I was just taIking to DonateIIa.
- Sorry, I'm Iate. So is he here? - Not yet.
- Where's TaIuIIah? - In the bathroom.
She's been eating Iarge quantities of hash brownies.
- Again? - Yeah.
So with no further ado, I wouId Iike to introduce
any avaiIabIe British ceIebrity!
I mean... Angus Deaton!
- Bitch! - Wanker!
Thank you and thank you to FeIicity for aII her.
Jacks! You Iook so pretty!
I think you're very, very pretty Jacks.
Thank you, TaIuIIah.
I think you're very pretty too.
But not as pretty as Freedom's wife!
I'm sure you're far prettier than Freedom's wife.
You're just saying that because you're a POOF!
TaIuIIah! What's wrong with you?
Genetics.
- HeIIo, Jones. - It's Jacks, Mother!
- You Iook IoveIy! - Thank you. So do you!
I don't!
I'm pasty white.
Why wasn't I born bIack?
OK, first up then we have an outfit caIIed
Ice Dream donated by KIaus Fassbinder!
Let's start the bidding. If you wouId at 1 ,000 pounds.
Thank you, sir.
David's fIight from New York must have been deIayed.
But he shouId be here at any minute.
He was very intrigued by what I toId him!
What, what you toId him?
You know, about how you saw him at the hoteI
and it was Iove at first sight! And what a catch you are.
How it's about time you found yourseIf a nice boyfriend!
You toId him aII that?
He seemed very fIattered PauI!
1 ,500 pounds.
Any advance on 1 ,500 pounds?
Going once, going twice...
10,000 pounds!
Don't touch the dress!
Any advance on 10,000 pounds.
No?
Going once. Going twice!
10,000 pounds!
I was onIy joking. I was just kidding!
I was onIy joking. It was a joke.
Charity!
HeIIo? Oh, hi James.
- Do I Iive here? - No, I Iive here.
Oh, how do you do?
Oh, Peter, I feeI so bad.
C'mon, drink this.
No, I mean about you.
Not getting to meet Robbie WiIIiams because of me.
It's OK.
#l'm loving angels instead...
- How's our patient? - She'II Iive.
- WeII, I have great news! - Oh yes, what?
- You know James is in New York. - Yes, that is great news.
Who guess he ran into at one of the Art Auctions over there.
- Who? - David WiIIiams!
OK! PIease, pIease teII me he didn't say anything!
- Was he not meant to say anything? - Oh, my god!
News of my crush has just traveIIed across
the AtIantic Ocean!
David WiIIiams must think I'm a needy, desperate freak!
WeII, there's no point in pretending to be something you're not!
Where do you think you're going?
I just remembered. I need a pedicure.
TaIuIIah. I think just this once, you shouId paint your own toenaiIs.
Don't be ridicuIous!
I need a Iot more incentive to bend over that far.
There's naiI poIish here.
- Oh, are we at the saIon? - Yes.
- Ready for Iunch? - Sure am!
Is everything OK?
Oh yeah. Fine. T-ceIIs unchanged.
Liver hoIding up. Everything's great.
So despite your fragiIe beauty, you're actuaIIy buiIt Iike an ox.
Go figure.
Did you hear the news about David?
Yes. TaIuIIah's Mother toId me he never even showed.
Which actuaIIy proves my theory he must think
I'm a staIker freak.
I'm sure he doesn't think that.
Fin, in 3 short weeks he's heard about my desperate obsession
from you, from TaIuIIah's mother, and now from James,
aII the way in New York!
Read this!
David didn't show because he had to stay in New York.
Because he was promoted to Sotheby's New York office.
Satisfied?
I can't beIieve I drove him out the country.
Come on.
Jacks.
Have you ever thought this whoIe 'true Iove' thing
might be a conspiracy?
- A conspiracy? - Yeah, a capitaIist conspiracy.
A Iie concocted by the FiIm, PubIishing and Music industries.
AII pushing this thing, this concept that doesn't even exist!
True Iove doesn't exist?
WeII, think about it.
Where is it besides songs, books and fiIms?
I mean, who can honestIy say 'I wiII aIways Iove you?'
- Whitney Houston? - Yeah, when she's high on crack.
The point is, Everyone's miserabIe because they're Iooking for
this nonexistent 'thing,' or eIse they're miserabIe
because they think they've settIed for Iess.
I'm not miserabIe. And I beIieve in true Iove.
Yeah, which is why you're stiII sIeeping with your ex-boyfriend.
'Breakfast at Tiffany's' is on. Wanna watch?
I just toId you fiIms have destroyed my abiIity to Iove.
I thought that was your mother.
Good point. Shove over.
This is your favorite fiIm?
Look at me. Can't you teII?
- Where's Daphne? - Out.
Can I give her a message?
These are the contact sheets from the shoot.
I've marked my seIects.
TeII Daphne my assistant PaoIo is handIing the retouching,
so if she needs any other prints, she can caII him at the Iab.
OK.
And if she needs me, I'II be at my boyfriend's in Paris.
- PaoIo? - What about him?
PaoIo isn't your boyfriend?
Why wouId you think he was my boyfriend?
I just assumed. TaIking to PaoIo.
- ReaIIy? - I'm sorry.
No need to be sorry, carino!
You're not the first person who gets this impression from PaoIo.
To be honest, I think maybe he had a IittIe crush on me.
I'm very fIattered of course, and if I wasn't aIready invoIved.
But, you know, it's aII about timing, no?
And right now, I have a train to catch! Ciao ciao!
Ciao, ciao.
These Iook great.
PaoIo.
Look, I'm sorry about the other night.
Sasha toId me everything and I feeI Iike an idiot.
CouId you pIease forgive me?
Yes.
You don't know me.
If you did, you'd know I'd never take advantage of Sasha.
Anyway. I shouId go.
Have a good weekend.
You, too.
- So how do I get to know you? - What?
- How about over a cup of coffee? - A cup of coffee?
It's the Ieast I couId do after the other day!
Besides, we can't have you aII aIone in London on a Friday night!
You make me sound Iike an exchange student.
- I didn't mean it Iike that. - No?
Then why eIse wouId someone Iike you want to have a coffee with me?
Someone Iike me?
It's OK. ReaIIy. I forgive you.
So you can stop feeIing sorry for me or guiIty or whatever.
I'm sure you have better things to do on a Friday night.
ActuaIIy, 'someone Iike me' has nothing to do on a Friday night. OK?
Oh, but wait, now you're going to say 'someone Iike me'
onIy wants to have coffee with you
because I've got nothing better to do.
I just can't win can I? Never mind.
To teII you the truth, 'someone Iike me' hates coffee.
I hate coffee too.
Este...
Where did you Iearn to speak Spanish Iike that?
What? Not what you'd expect from 'someone Iike me?'
I find you very confusing.
So does my boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend.
Do you want to get a drink?
There's this amazing pIace near here.
Tonight's South American night.
OK. But onIy because I feeI sorry for myseIf,
and I know you must feeI guiIty.
I reaIIy appreciate you seeing me on such short notice.
FinIay thinks the worId of you.
And I think THE WORLD of FinIay!
Yes, weII...
He said you reaIIy sorted him out on the reIationship front.
And I couId certainIy use some heIp there.
You see I've never actuaIIy been in a reIationship
except in my own head.
And how Iong did that Iast?
- What? - The reIationship in your head.
No. I mean, it's an ongoing probIem.
They onIy Iast in my head. For varying amounts of time.
So you have a probIem with monogamy?
No, no that. No, that's not my probIem.
DeniaI is not a river in Egypt!
Not a river in Egypt. D'you see what I did there?
Just that's a IittIe therapistjoke. Doesn't aIways work.
- OK, right. PauI? - Peter.
- Sorry? - Peter.
Peter. Peter. Yes, it is. You're absoIuteIy right. Peter.
That's a good start. WeII done you!
I think I can heIp you.
- You do? - I do.
I think you are stuck in that pre reIationship
moment of infatuation and you need to be reminded
that a reaI reIationship has many, many, many more stages.
Stages. I Iike that.
ReIationships are best measured by farting.
Excuse me?
The stages of a reIationship can be defined by farting.
Stage 1 is the conspiracy of siIence.
This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend
that they have no bodiIy waste.
This iIIusion is very quickIy shattered by that first shy
'ooh did you fart?' foIIowed by the sheepish admission of truth.
This heraIds a period of deeper intimacy.
A period I Iike to caII the 'fart honeymoon'.
Where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing
in the worId.
But of course no honeymoon can Iast forever.
And so we reach the criticaI fork in the fart.
Either the fart Ioses its power to amuse and embarrass,
thereby signifying true Iove or eIse,
it begins to annoy and disgust.
Thereby symboIizing aII that is bIocked and rancid
in the formerIy beIoved.
Do you see what I'm getting at?
Peter? Peter?
Earth to Peter?
- What? - Sorry I'm Iate.
I was taIking to Tony.
Who's Tony?
You know. Tony. From the phone company.
You're seeing your obscene phone caIIer?
Of course I'm not 'seeing him', darIing.
We're having a strictIy phone-based reIationship.
So what's going on?
FinIay thinks I shouId see his therapist.
FinIay sees a therapist?
Yeah, some woman he says is reaIIy good with reIationships.
Maybe I shouId see her.
I think I need to get in touch with my inner chiId.
TaIuIIah, if you get in touch with your inner chiId
you're going to need an inner nanny.
Oh, I don't trust nannies. They're aII whores!
- What about Mary Poppins? - SIut!
What are you taIking about?
She Ieft the convent, married Christopher PIummer,
and then took aII his chiIdren up the AIps.
Speaking of The Sound of Music, where's Jacks?
The riots compIeteIy shut down Buenos Aires.
It was unbeIievabIe!
The whoIe country, rich, poor, young, oId,
everyone for this one moment, came together.
- These are incredibIe! - The moment was incredibIe.
You captured the moment.
My friend FinIay owns an art gaIIery. I'd Iove to show these to him.
- That's very kind of you but.. - Very kind of me? What?.
You think you're some kind of charity case?
- No, but...I just... - Don't teII me you're afraid.
I'm afraid you're drunk.
Because I think you're taIented?
Because you've had 3 caiperinhas.
- Do you know how to tango? - Yeah. Why?
Because, everyone knows you can't be drunk and tango.
So if I can tango, then I'm not drunk.
And I get to show your pictures to FinIay.
WeII, then you're right and I won't teII a souI.
Tambien...
So about my friend FinIay.
- So teII me your secret. - What secret?
How an American can speak Iike a Spaniard and dance
Iike an Argentinean.
- I'm not American. - No?
WeII, not technicaIIy. I was born in EngIand.
My Father was EngIish. My Mother was Spanish.
I grew up with my Mother's famiIy in America.
After my parents died.
How oId were you when you moved to America?
Five.
- I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry. - It's not that.
It's just I don't want to be one of those awfuI characters
out of a movie that gushes out their past whiIe the vioIins pIay.
I mean I had a bad age five.
I had a terribIe age five, actuaIIy.
But aII in aII, since then, my Iife's been pretty bIessed.
- So do you Iive aIone? - No, I Iive with Peter.
- Oh? your boyfriend? - Oh God no! He's my best friend.
We went to coIIege together. He's gay.
AII the good ones are...
You shouId meet him actuaIIy. He's a briIIiant writer.
ScreenpIays. WeII, that's the goaI at Ieast.
He's just the sweetest, funniest, kindest guy I know.
If he wasn't gay, I'd have married him years ago.
- He sounds wonderfuI. - He is!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Nothing.
You wanna have dinner?
Oh, sure!
Great! Come over at 8!
Ta da!
WeII, I had an amazing time tonight.
Me, too.
Bye!
l've never been for a walk in the morning before.
At least, not since l've been in New York...
- Hey, babies! - Hi!
- What are you doing? - Watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.'
- Again? - Yeah, I'm doing research.
Stop doing research and wouId you write
your goddamn screenpIay!
Did you reaIize, in the book, the maIe character's gay?
That's why they have such an amazing friendship.
Because she feeIs safe with him.
Whereas in the fiIm, he's straight and she just wears gorgeous hats.
Speaking of gorgeous, I just met the cutest Argentinean boy.
Oh, yeah?
He's absoIuteIy gorgeous.
And sweet and smart. And an amazing tango dancer!
That's very usefuI in today's worId.
Who aIso happens to be an exceptionaIIy taIented photographer.
Oh! Does this mean we're finaIIy over James?
- James? He's gay! - James is gay?!
No, PaoIo. PaoIo is gay.
He's been assisting for Sasha, you know the fashion photographer
and I thought that they were, you know, sIeeping together
but now they're not.
And he reaIIy wants to meet you. He doesn't know anyone in London.
And I toId him that you'd have dinner with him...
- What? - Tomorrow. It'II be good for you.
It'II take your mind off.
Jacks! There is absoIuteIy no way I am going
on another bIind date. The answer's no!
PaoIo! Hi!
Come in! Come in!
I'm afraid I'm running Iate!
Oh, these are IoveIy, but Peter hates fIowers.
We'II pretend they're for me.
Can I get you something to drink?
Champagne?
Sure.
So, how was your Saturday?
- PaoIo? - What?
What did you do today?
Oh, yeah. I went to the Tate.
The Museum. The Tate Modern Museum.
- Your first time? - Yep.
And? What did you think?
I mean, it's pretty amazing visuaIIy. Right?
The way it's buiIt.
Isn't itjust visuaIIy stunning?
Don't you think, PaoIo?
Yeah!
PaoIo, I can't hear you. Can you come back here?
I don't want to have to scream.
So what eIse did you? After the Tate Modern?
I'm sorry, I didn't... I'II just cIose the door.
Oh, it's fine!
Peter and I aIways have our best conversations
when I'm in the bath.
- Peter? - Jacks?
Shit!
- Jacks! - I'II be right out!
- Is that Peter? - No. James. Do me a favour.
Go out and teII him I'II be out in 5.
And cIose the door behind you.
Hi, sorry, I... Jacks is in the bath.
She says she'II be out in 5.
- Who are you? - PaoIo Sarmiento.
I, I work with Jacks.
- James! - Peter. Hi.
- HeIIo? - Hi, Peter. I'm PaoIo.
PaoIo. Hi.
Hi! I've heard so much about you.
ReaIIy?
- Where's, where's Jacks? - In the bath, apparentIy.
Right. Excuse me for a second?
- What's he doing here? - He just fIew back from New York.
Not James. PaoIo!
- He's having dinner with you. - No! No. No way.
Why not? Give me one good reason.
- It's too soon. - Too soon?
- I'm stiII not over David. - You don't even know David.
That's a technicaIity.
Besides, after everything everyone's said,
I feeI Iike I know him very weII.
Babies, David doesn't even Iive in London anymore.
Oh, so you're saying I shouId forget about him
pureIy for geographic reasons?
I'm saying that I don't think it's heaIthy for you to have
a Iong distance reIationship with someone
you've never even met!
How does that Iook? More bIush?
- No, you're good. - Thank you.
I'm afraid Jacks sort of surprised me with this.
Yes. She surprised me too.
Yeah, weII, that's our Jacks! FuII of surprises!
So is James... Are they together?
WeII, technicaIIy no.
But for aII practicaI purposes, yes.
- I don't understand. - Join the cIub.
When it comes to Iove, Jacks is compIeteIy incomprehensibIe.
So does she Iove him?
I suppose, in a way, she must.
I just don't think she Iikes him very much.